That is my mom to the left, and now that is my mom to the right.
I have never been one to pen my heart out but my heart is beyond crushed and a lot of times rattled with anger and helplessness. I cannot get any justice for my mom but I can at least be honest about what we all went through.
Great couple right? Many people knew mom as Esther Winter, Winter Ndeda. It all depended on what name Patrick wanted her to use. Yeah, that’s how much he controlled my mom.
To me, she was just mom, my everything. The guy, That is my stepdad. Patrick Odhiambo Ndeda, most people know him as “Pare” “Pare page”, former Director @ktn @nationmedia @citizentv and @radioafrica or kiss FM as most of us know it.
Anyone that knew my mom admired her strength, her class, she was beautiful, hardworking, ever-smiling, a lady with a pure heart, super prayerful too. Just pure, she was that and so much more. A loving grandmother, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, our mom.
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But man, The tears and trauma she went through are quite the opposite of what anyone would see. I see the story of Qui Gitonga and cant help to see the similarities. The only difference is my mom is gone. I will never get to see her again. The pain I have as a daughter, the pain I have had to watch our family deal with.
My heart breaks times over. No child deserves to see a parent scars from a beating she took, to watch her Get treatment for broken wrists that her husband tries to lie that she fell (we all know what causes spiral fractures), from orbital fractures, strangle marks on occasion. I type this with my stomach and anxiety kicking in. I still remember running out of my room as a teenager begging Patrick to stop hitting my mom, I still remember my moms screams “Patrickkkkkkkkkkkkk, Patrickkkkkkkkkkk stoppppppppp” ………. etched in my head.
Trauma that I am still learning to deal with because the truth is I grew up in such a toxic home! I had to accept that because for a long time I thought it was normal. I always lived in fear of losing my mom. And just recently my biggest fear slapped me in my face.
There is never ANY reason for a man to hit a woman. NEVER! And the minute you find yourself trying to justify why you missed the whole point.
Abusers have certain traits, always charming and well put together. I grew up in this house where my stepdad Patrick Ndeda, abused my mother for years !!!
Always promised he would stop but just found ways to make sure I never found out. Or any family members to that matter. Slowly reduced her friends from many to a handful. Took her phones when he didn’t want her to talk to people.. me included.
She fell into a deep funk of depression, and always having to bring herself out of it. He would sit there and let people think mom just went down and under and was not communicating.
He slowly through the years painted this picture of an alcoholic person. slowly drafting his way to finish her. Either beat her up and make her miserable and depress her to drunkenness OR just do it.
One of these is the reason she is not here. I see right through his BS though, we all do. And then I wake up to a call that Patrick woke up at 0400 am and found mom cold, did not call neighbors, did not scream, did not call an ambulance, just sat there waiting for my family to come see mom in bed and then call the cops.
A thought process that I’ll never understand.
* Premeditated, neighbors saw him walk out with gloves at about 0400am**
He is the perfect definition of a narcissist! He always found ways to turn it around and make it be about my mom. If my mom ever told you what he did to her you would say there’s no way!
She only drank when he beat her up.. Because the same person kicking you in the face needs you to get up and put makeup over your eye to go and seal a deal, pitch business ideas to multiple places so she could bring money home and take care of all expenses.
For years I tried to figure it out, to help save my mom from all this… anyone that knows me well knows this all too well. Last year was supposed to be the start of a new life, she ran away after he beat her up leaving her lifeless on the floor saying he would come and quote “finish her.”
He then went to lunch and to take a walk “creating a perfect alibi”. My mother called me screaming, my whole family rallied up to get her out of there. oh, this made him mad.
What will happen to his Reputation? What will I tell people? Winter went on vacation. winter went out to business, NOPE ! How about I beat up Winter so bad! By Gods grace, we got her out before he came back.
But as we all know narcissistic people have a way with their victims. And mom, she just genuinely loved him and believed him. I feel like the Kenya police failed us, even after filing a report nothing happened.
It is like paperwork that is just stored. Nobody fights for women. Does someone have to be dead to get attention? I am just tired. I really am. My life has been one heck of a rollercoaster. My mom deserves a voice.
To any friends of my mom who tried to help her, I thank you. To those who claim to be her friends and knew but did nothing, I don’t know.
Domestic violence does not only affect the people getting hit, it affects everyone around them. I probably have a lifetime of therapy to do. My mom didn’t deserve this.
That is my story. That’s my reality. I pray God keeps guiding us through.
By Vanessa W